Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Shock

Something happened yesterday that shook me to the core. I need to talk about it, do something about it, scream about it, I don't know. Don't know how I should act or feel. I've gone numb, I've gone Cliche. I don't know. I just don't fucking know.

A girl from my school killed herself yesterday. She was Junior, 16 years old. Was bright, sweet, a great writer and had such a future laid out for her. Sure she had her faults, we all do, but it is hard to remember them now. Hard to think she threw herself in front of a train to escape...something.

I have never known anyone my age who died. Either by accident or on purpose. It is a blow, right to the gut. Its kinda horrible, because I wish it was just someone who "I went to school with" maybe saw in the halls every once in a while. So the shock could pass and I could just let it go. Someone my age killed themselves. Shit, ain't that sad. I hope her friends are alright, I guess I should offer condolences and such. It is horrible to wish that, I know. But I do. I do.

I knew her though. We had gotten close her first year in school. I showed her some of my writing, and she showed me some of hers. I met her dog, her mom drove me home from drama, we laughed and she lent me a favorite book of hers. I gave her one of mine. She lost it. I was supposed to give her a mix CD. I don't know if I remembered to or not. I think I did-but I don't know. I don't know. Stupid memories keep popping up. Two years ago. She reviewed two of my stories, said they were good. She wrote a one act about a boy who died and a drug addiction. It was amazing. I was jealous of it, but I gave her tips. I wonder where it is now. I wonder why the only times I had spoken to her was to say hi, or to ask about the seventeen dollars she owed me. I wonder if she realized I was joking. Or half joking.

I'm mad.
At people for talking shit about her, for blowing things out of proportion and for making me think twice about being friends with her.
I am mad at myself for letting myself be swayed, that I didn't try to be friends with her again, that I didn't care enough. I'm mad at hindsight.
I am also mad at her. Shes such a fucking idiot. Didn't she realize how many people loved her? The talent she had? The potential? The light? God damn it. Didn't she realize it was final? Yes her parents were fucking crazy, but she only had two more years in college and friend's houses to escape too. She is such an idiot. Such a fucking idiot. God damn it! I don't know. I still haven't gotten my head around the whole "gone" concept. No more coming back. She didn't just leave for another school again. She is gone.

I don't deal well with emotion. I never have. I don't cry in public, and I often feeel detached an awkward. But hell? who doesn't. I also keep what ifing myself to death. I know it is no use, and I am trying to stop. But there it is:
What if
What if
What if

And I don't know. Don't know.
Life was so much nicer two days ago. Hopefully it will get better again. it always does. This too Shall pass. It is a pity she didn't see it.

R.I.P LS. You will be sorely missed, by more people than you know. I'm getting "The Perks of being a Wall Flower." and I am sending it around in your memory. So people can love it as you did.

Next post will be about happier times I hope. I was in mexico last week, I'll write about it when I feel better.
So yeah.
Fuckshitdamn
GAH
-Cheers

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